That day has come

Dear Matthew,

Since I don't know where you are, I will put this out on the Internet in hopes that you may see it someday. Happy Birthday my sweetpea. I can't explain what these past 18 years have been like without you. My husband says that you define who I am now, that's true. And this day especially is hard because I miss you and it reminds me of everything that I haven not been there for. Your first steps, your first words, your first bruise, the first time you saw a butterfly, your first day of school, your last day of school, the day you passed your driver's test, the day you got acceptance letter to college. I don't know what you look like; if you have blue eyes and dark hair. If you are in love. I still don't know how to feel about my decision. It was my biggest mistake and my best decision.

My fear is that I'll never see you again. That you aren't curious about me, that you you don't want to know me. That I'll never see you smile, or hear your voice, or meet your kids. That I have no place in your life.

On your 18th birthday, while you are blowing out your candles with your mom and dad, I'll be thinking of you and hoping that your still safe and happy. I miss you more than you can imagine. I will still keep my hopes of seeing you again.
Love.